Creative Writing

Here is an old essay I found from my days in U of R's "persuasive & expository writing" class.(dated 1997)

God
by Yoshua Brekkner

I am not God. I am a university student.

As a student, however, I know that it is never sufficient to make such a statement without backing it up. So I've prepared a list of reasons supporting the assertion that I am not God. I believe you will find it to be irrefutably true.

I was born on a Thursday. My mother, my father, and the doctor whose face I peed into in my first few seconds of life can all testify that it was the seventh of October, 1976, somewhere around noon. This year, therefore, is my twenty-first year of life. The church at which I am currently a member, however, was established in 1942. We must assume that God was alive at that time, and it follows, then, that God must be at least 54, going on 55 years old. In fact, if the witnesses of many texts and documents are to be believed, God is substantially older than that. The reason there is some uncertainty is that God's birth, unlike mine, was not a witnessed event -- or at least nobody that we know of recorded any such event. God could be hundreds of millions of years old, but suffice it to say that he (she?) must be significantly older than I.

Still not convinced? Then consider this: it is commonly agreed that, by definition, God knows everything. That's prerequisite for the job. It is quite easy to prove, however, that I do not know everything. Just a few weeks ago, I proved it as I wrote a Math 214 midterm exam. Surely God could have scored better than 25%. I prove it again each time I answer the telephone and ask who is speaking. In fact, if I were God, I would seldom have to talk to anyone at all since I would know exactly what would be said anyway. Surely, then, I am not God.

God is also capable of doing anything -- that is, God is all-powerful. Omnipotent, you might say. We know this because God alone in history has been able to exist for such a long time without the government having any record of that existence. Because we have this knowledge of God, many people, when desperate, call on God to perform some act that they have been unable to perform themselves; yet nobody calls on me with impulsive and unlikely promises when it's forty degrees below zero and the car won't start. I can't even start my own car on mornings like that. Can someone as incapable as I, then, be God? I think not.

We know that God must be everywhere at once. Although this is impossible for us to understand, we know it must be true because if it wasn't, God could only help one or maybe two people at a time with his knowledge and power. In a world packed with nearly 6 billion people, God often needs to save people from terrorist bombs in Palestine, and help raise money to bail out Jim Baker in America at the same moment. I, on the other hand, take 15 minutes just to drive from my house to school -- if all the lights are green. If I were God, I would not be much use to anybody.

God is not asked to pay taxes, and yet I have no choice.

Lastly, but most surely, God, with all of that trademark wisdom and power, would not be subject to such humbling problems as acne, diarrhea, constipation, and male itch, all of which I have helplessly suffered from at some point.

The few similarities that may exist between me and God are easily dismissed in the light of the above evidence. I am not God. Yet, my mind is not yet at rest; if God exists, but I am not God, then I would like to figure out which one of us is God so I can introduce my humble self.

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My prof wrote: "Interesting - I actually enjoyed it. 75%"