I'm Tired

So I just had my yearly evaluation on Wednesday. It sucked. I hate these evaluations. It makes me feel sick to my stomach all day, and even for a few days after. It is not something that is helpful or constructive for me. I can't imagine how it is helpful for anyone. First of all, is it even ethical to have the "clients" (so-to-speak) do a performance review on me? What other job works that way? And since when is a performance review about someone's character? Why are people allowed to make criticisms with no specifics and nothing to back it up? And why are they allowed to do this anonymously?

More than anything, it is hurtful to me personally. Why does Peter Suderman Jr. say every year "I could have written pages and pages of the good comments people said about you", but he never does? Why are there only 5 or 6 lines of good comments, and the rest of page is filled with negative comments, criticisms, "opportunities" and "threats" to my ministry? Why am I told that it is mostly positive, but I never see or hear evidence of this? Why do we spend 5 minutes talking about the good comments and 75 minutes talking about the things I do wrong, the things people don't like about me and my ministry, the things that I should do better, my weaknesses, all the things that are wrong with me? (I am not exaggerating any of this) How is this helpful to anyone? How is this constructive or beneficial? Why do I have to sit here and take it?

And it becomes so confusing - comments are made by parents or youth with no specifics or details to back them up. The exact same criticisms are the same ones made every year, so I have been very careful to address them and change them. Laura has even told me that I have changed in all these areas, and these criticisms are still made. So when I say to Peter and Phil "Listen, I don't believe that I am doing these things. I have made the changes people want, and here's how." And I give them actual examples of what I do and how I have changed. They are then confused because they believe me, but they also don't have anything to go one except these criticisms with nothing to back them up. So they can only side with the comments made by others and ask me to do better. This is so frustrating for me!

But you know, this performance review isn't really the kicker. It's not the "last straw". It is just one more thing piled on top of me while I'm already down.

I have been really low for the last few months. I'm tired of so many things. I'm tired of pouring my life into these kids, becoming parent and friend into them, and then having to say goodbye to them when they leave youth. I hate graduation - it absolutely rips me apart inside. It affects me for months before it happens, and for months after. These kids walk away with a piece of my heart, and it kills.

I'm tired of feeling physically sick when I wake up and realize that I have to go into the office. (Again, I am not exaggerating). I'm tired of having a job that makes me sick. I'm tired of hearing 1 good and uplifting comment for every 5 criticisms and negative comments about what people don't like about me or what I've done. I have to live with this all the time. This church (and churches in general) suck at understanding what true appreciation means and looks like. I'm tired of the things that I hate about my job sucking the life out of the things that I love about it. I'm tired of having the only times (at least that I can remember) that Phil says something good about my ministry to be followed immediately by negative criticism. Why do people only think to say something good when they really want to give you criticism? That completely nullifies any good comments.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm still being treated like a kid in some respects in my job - of feeling like I can't make all of my decisions for myself - like someone's always looking over my shoulder and second-guessing me.

I'm tired of focusing on my weaknesses instead of playing to my strenghts.

I'm tired of being out more evenings than I'm home.

I'm tired of losing all of my good sponsors and not having enough help.

I'm tired of not seeing my friends and spending needed time with them.

I'm tired of having a church of 240 people's expectations placed on me and trying to live up to all of them (this is what I hated most growing up as a pastors kid). I'm tired of being a people-pleaser.

I'm tired of giving Laura so much of my worst.

I'm tired of feeling trapped.

And I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of whining so much. I'm tired of only thinking and saying negative things about my life and my job. I'm tired of not being happy most of the time. I'm tired of this feeling of wanting to give up. I'm tired of not changing the things about myself and my ministry that I can and should. I'm tired of living in such a mediocre state and not taking control of changing things, changing my attitude. I'm tired of disappointing God, Laura, and myself.

And I'm tired of writing this and thinking about this. I think I'm going to go to bed, wake up tomorrow and continue building my deck. At least that's something that I can see progress happening and enjoy seeing it take shape.

J